To be a student, there are a certain number of fixed stress for you to face. Especially being an international student.
1. The stress of getting in the school or not,
2. The stress of choosing a course and the stress of choosing the electives in your course,
3. The stress of having friends or not,
4. The stress of being with friends,
5. The stress of understanding what the lecturer is talking about,
6. The stress of picking up what the lecturer means,
7. The stress of overcoming those problems and have a good project going on with different students with different nationalities,
8. The stress of having a good result for your assessments,
AND the stress of having good results after your exam.
And also the extra stress you face in your daily life la.
For me, it was always like a dream to stay out of my parents' house and go have an adventure outside. All these while, going outside and staying overnight at my friend's place is always better than going back to my dull old home.
And as naive as I can be, I've always so called 'loved the winter'
It is actually such a joke when I've never really experienced a REAL WINTER season before.
But as the day of leaving home came nearer, the fear came.
Would I be able to survive all alone without my family and friends beside me for a whole full year?
What if I get bullied? What if anything happened to me and no one was beside me ?
How would I survive?
The fear was so strong, to be honest I am an empty shell here in the UK for 9 months.
It was very serious when I first came. I had no friends, hated the cold weather(I still hate it), nothing for me to adore in this scary place.
I know the situation is harder for me because I have my boyfriend back at home.
I wanted to go back home every single minute I'm here.
It affected everything I do here.
My sleep, my life, my money, my studies.
I did not really know what was going on for the first few months of not going out and staying weeks and weeks just in my room. Until I met a friend, a very kind one, Kelvin. He helped me with my assignment, he brought me out always and he taught me a lot of things too.
Only then I started to live the life I was supposed to. I started working part time in a buffet restaurant and knew a few more friends. Although I know the friends I get to know are a lot Chinese, but I'd rather stay comfortable than to get discriminated and shit. You might think that I'm not open-minded enough but everything happens for a reason. I don't like the white because I faced discrimination before.
And somehow they still think that they're damn good and do not like foreigners coming to their country to earn their money. alright enough about that.
Few days ago, I was travelling with my sister to Portugal, she got her results, - First Class Honors Degree. I am really happy for her. at the same time I'm so depressed because I'm so freakin worried about my own. I'm not worried about whether I'm getting a First class or a second, I'm worried about whether I can graduate and go back home with a certificate. I was this bad. I do not think I can pass through this challenge.
I am really unhappy here. I wanna go home. Every single day I wake up to wanting to go home and I want to go home until I fall asleep. Every single day is a torture.
To a lot of people, maybe they will think that I'm such an idiot to not love overseas, and maybe so stupid to not appreciate the time I have here.
Do not get me wrong, if given a second chance I would still come here. Its just that I do not like it here. But I embrace this opportunity of being abroad learning new things.
I went to consult my unit leader today, I wanted to hug her and cry saying : I want to go home
I held my tears back and told her I am really worried about my results and I really wanna go home.
After that I went to search for a tutor to tell him I am really not confident in passing in his subject.
He was really kind enough to ask for my ID number to check for me.
He then asked me into his office and told me: You have 6 units this year. You do not seem to have failed any of them
My heart stopped. WHHHHATTTT????
is this serious? I asked him really ? and because it is not a finalized mark so I asked in the worst case, if they decide to deduct my marks after looking at it a few times, will I be on the edge of failing the paper?
He said: I will be very very very surprised if you do not graduate this year.
This made me cry. I was really embarrassed. To be honest, it is really stressful thinking that all of your family, relatives and friends will be asking how are you ? overseas graduate and scary words like that.
I cried a few times because of this. Not everyone walks back home smiling. I don't wanna cry walking back home.
He asked me if I needed a tissue. I apologized as I took the piece of tissue. I told him I really wanted to go back home. He said he understand how stressful it is.
I guess its just normal for people to be afraid.
So now I'm just gonna pray for an official result for me to pass my degree.
Please oh please let me go home.
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