Breaking down

I really need a place to release all of these feelings inside of me.
Life is not as smooth as I thought it would be.
My thoughts of my life were to start work and earn money so I can have a better life, and everything will progress towards me building a life with work life balance.
I should work happily with good future in vision.
I should have all my good friends beside me moving into the same direction.
I should have a stable relationship going into the 4th year together.

I have none.
I have none but the opposite.

My work, the environment is fine, the people are good. I'm grateful for that. The location is a huge convenience for me too.
But my future? I don't see any. I am not good in what I am doing. I am not even sure if people will agree with my staying.
My friends? Everyone is busy with their life and their future. Yes we get to come out once a while and just gather and talk about things. But it's not like they'll be there together with your journey. No. Everyone has to build their own future. We are all alone. I am alone.
Relationship? Going into the 4th year I thought we will be like concrete stable.
Turned out we're going into a downturn.
I've overestimated our relationship. I thought we have already passed our tough time being separated for one year when I was there in manchester.
I never thought we could get stuck when a 'simple' 3-4 months separation struck us.

We argued more than ever. We spoke words to hurt each other. We got angry and choose not to talk to each other. We've even separated for a few days.

6 days. This is the current new record. We haven't spoke to each other for 6 days. For people who know us, we stick to each other like everyday. 6 days is really serious.
This time, I feel a bit different. I caught him deleting messages with other girls. This is not the first time. Yes you might think it's to prevent me from getting into an argument but for me catching him? Double the argument.

Suddenly some weird thoughts struck me. I want an explanation.
I demand an explanation, I told myself. If I don't get any, then I don't think we have any reason to continue. My friend asked me, what is it you're looking for? For him to change? Or for you?
To be honest, I want him to change.
And I want him to know that this cannot go any longer.
He likes to do this, come back like nothing happened so we won't argue anymore.
But no! You do not deal with things this way. You need to face the problem, and solve it! Not run away and hope it will vanish.
This will only make things worst.
I make myself clear that I do not want this to appear in my life ever again.

He came back. Telling me he's back. And just told me he will be going on a trip.
22 hours. His last seen in Facebook is 22 hours, maybe 23 now.
You have Internet access in the whole UK.
You come act like nothing happened, but you disappear again for like 23 hours?
I am suffering. I tried so hard not to think about it, but it is too impossible for you to sleep so long on a road trip. For sure you'll be awake exploring and taking pictures. I hate myself to think that maybe something bad has happened.
Till I thought of asking your friend. Your friend is on Facebook. When I asked him. I was relieved. I cried. I never wanted to think that anything bad has happened to you. But I got nothing from you.

I'm sorry. I don't think I can take this anymore. My heart, my soul cannot and will not take this pressure anymore. Maybe we're not meant to be.
My sister came back. She's now trying gowns and preparing for her wedding and stuff.
It hurts to see such a happy occasion but to come back to realise maybe you're not mine when it's my turn.